Dedicated and in service to all women who are trying to get pregnant, who want to have a baby and create a family rooted in unconditional love.
As an educator and advocate of fertility awareness and body wisdom, I knew how to read the signs of my body clearly and had cultivated a deep connection with her. My hormones were all working together beautifully. I felt healthy, fertile and as I told my husband, I was sure that it was only going to take one “try” to get pregnant. Therefore, struggling to get pregnant was shameful, depressing and a complete mystery. Tests confirmed that nothing was obviously “wrong” with either of us. After every unsuccessful attempt, month after month, I grieved each one like a mini death.
And like many things in life, trying to get pregnant became a journey that took me to the deepest, darkest places within myself. It guided me to revisit my firmly rooted fears, and to evaluate the beliefs that did not serve me, nor my baby or the family I yearned to create. Even from before conception, my baby and I were in it together. We were and are a team.
I offer these lessons learned along my journey to getting pregnant in service to all women who want to have a baby, in service to the children they will bring into the world, and to our collective community at large.
1. Babymaking is not necessarily lovemaking.
Many women have suffered for years with reproductive challenges. No matter how long or little it takes, once a woman has set her mind, heart and soul on having a baby, she lives and breathes this wish EVERY SINGLE DAY of her life. All feelings and experiences are valid as simply defined by this wish.
Babymaking can be timed, tracked and calculated. The process can become incredibly stressful, especially after numerous “unsuccessful” attempts. Lovemaking however, under stress isn’t really making love because stress creates a barrier between you and your beloved from sharing a space of true intimacy. A powerful positive shift is felt once you move from the goal of babymaking, to a deeper connected lovemaking with your partner. And yes, holding the space and intention for both can be done and ultimately that’s the ideal scenario. It’s for sure a lot more fun!
2. The universe supports me. It is abundant and so am I.
For a long time I lived with a scarcity mind. My troubled childhood left a void in my heart that was hard to fill. I always felt “less-than” and that I never had enough, but my inner wisdom began to reveal the abundance that is available to us all. Abundance is our birthright, and how each one of defines abundance is unique. It has many forms, including fertility. I wanted so much to have a baby. I could feel this deep desire pulsating through every cell in my body. Friends were dreaming about me pregnant! I felt my belly soft and full. But holding on and grasping for it so tightly did not serve me. It was time to loosen my grip and trust that the universe was supporting me. That it was abundant, and so was I.
3. There is nothing wrong with me (or you). For so much of my life I believed there must have been something innately wrong with me. I believed I was damaged goods for so many reasons. If I were to ultimately discover that I was infertile, preventing me from getting pregnant, it would have been a self fulfilling prophecy. I had to reset and release this limiting belief. I had to trust, more and more.
4. Babies have their own timing. Surrender to this.
I like to plan and organize my time and life events. It’s part how my brain works, part how my personality developed and part how I feel safe when I know what to expect. So planning conception, pregnancy and birth would naturally apply then, right? Wrong. Planning is often needed and can be effective. But there are greater cosmic forces at work. My baby girl had her own timing and plan as well. Surrendering to this, accepting all the cards in play and then enjoying the process is key to staying sane while babymaking and lovemaking.
5. I’ll have everything I need to do this.
Sometimes we get in our own way. I had formed a belief from a young age that I would have to do everything for myself, by myself, and if I didn’t, things probably wouldn’t get done or done well. It fed the obsessive insecure perfectionist in me. I also believed I was completely responsible for my survival and this belief can make you a master multi-tasker, but not always so productive when you end up doing everything yourself! Plus, it feels incredibly lonely and it’s exhausting. I had to heal that part of me that felt abandoned and alone. I had to believe and trust that I would be supported during pregnancy. That my baby and I would be alright.
6. My baby is one of my greatest spiritual teachers.
Unconditional love for your baby is as vast as the ocean. When space is taken up in your heart by fear or anger, this love cannot freely flow within you, or to your baby. Consciously calling a baby forth into your life is ideal with a soft and open heart. I worked on cultivating greater self-love and inner peace to free up this space in my heart and womb. I let apology and forgiveness lead me gently by the hand into deeper love and grace. And all of this love served to nurture both my baby and I.
7. Stop tracking time and live in the present moment.
This was a hugely important lesson because spontaneity lights up a child’s spirit. Once a baby comes into your world, each day can be totally unpredictable and there is so much that is unknown and simply out of your control. Practicing being spontaneous helps to dissolve fear and ground you in the joys of the present moment. Time is a concept that is perceived differently by many. My husband tends to live in the present, but I often analyze the past and plan for the future. We actually complement each other this way. Neither is necessarily better than the other. It’s just a matter of what serves you best. Once I stopped tracking my ovulation and fertile days, spontaneity and fun began to flow and the stress and pressure of getting pregnant diminished.
8. The safe space is within.
The world at large is full of changing variables. But, your baby’s first home is within you. Your body. Your sacred temple. If you feel unsafe, you might not feel ready to provide safe shelter to your growing baby. Shifting your beliefs and inner state of being will help to create this safe space within. This will then signal to both you and your baby that you are ready to get pregnant, preferably sooner, but perhaps a bit later, as babies arrive in their own divine time.
9. It takes two to do the trust tango.
When a woman is trying to consciously conceive with her beloved, trusting with her most vulnerable self is critical to the process. Until she can trust her partner to support her emotionally throughout her pregnancy and afterwards, she is doing it alone. There can be a whole host of fears muddying her fertile energy. She might fear that her partner won’t be attracted to her as her body changes throughout pregnancy. She might worry that her partner won’t be able to take on more financial responsibility during a time where her sole focus will be on her newborn baby. Whatever the fears are, even if a woman’s deepest desire is to get pregnant and have a baby, if she feels unsafe or unstable in her relationship, she is sending a contradictory signal to her body at the same time. She is telling her body that conditions are not favorable to get pregnant. If you’re in a committed, loving relationship, then one of the greatest gifts you can give to your beloved is your trust. Bestow upon your partner this torch to be carried with love, light and honor.
10. A heartfelt homecoming
As human beings, we all have a need to belong. It’s a basic human need encoded in our DNA and starts from infancy. It’s a need to belong to a family, tribe, or community. My parents got divorced when I was four years old and as an only child, my whole life I’ve been trying to satisfy the unmet need of belonging. It took more than three decades to feel that I’d finally been able to do this, by coming home to my heart. Through this heart healing journey, I regained a greater sense of belonging and returned to my true wholeness. I discovered that one of my underlying fears was to bring a baby of my own into a void- into a broken fragmented sense of belonging, and I would therefore also be unable to meet my own baby’s need to belong. Spiritual teachers for centuries have taught about Oneness, about a deep connection between all living beings through soul consciousness. At the soul level, there is no void. There is no exclusive members club. There is just collective Oneness.
11. Take your rightful place on the platform of resilience.
I’m emotional, empathic and highly sensitive. It can be a lot to juggle at times. But these sensitivities have proven to be a gateway to resilience- in its simplest definition; the ability to recover from difficulty. With every attempt that I didn’t get pregnant, I would have to recover from the wave of emotions that would move through me. With each cycle I was given the opportunity to see what I was made of. It’s easy to shine when life is good and happy. But it is during the times that we face great challenge, struggle and heartbreak where our true inner power has a platform to stand upon and shift us into the next fleeting moment.
12. Unconditional love has no limit.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” –Rumi
The judging, grasping mind is always so busy at work. It creates all kinds of comparison and fearful stories that deplete our vital energy. So many women who struggle with getting pregnant think, “My eggs are dried up. There is something wrong with me. I’m being punished.” They watch and compare themselves to each family member and friend that gets pregnant. And so did I. Fear is real and illusory at the same time. Whichever one you choose to embrace, it can create blocks and paralyze your energy on the inside. You’re like a deer in headlights and you might not even realize it! What’s on the other side of fear? Love. Choosing love softens, invites and embraces. It’s like a big “Welcome” sign on the front door of your uterus. With each attempt to get pregnant, it was an initiation to release more and more fear, and to fill myself back up with unconditional love- the same unconditional love that I give to my baby.
Love yourself deeply.
And you will create love within you and all around you.
Wishing you every blessing along your journey to getting pregnant…
Feel free to share your insights in the comments below.
With womb love,